


Suffering in Silence

by CaptainJZH



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s04e24 I Am My Mom, Gen, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:27:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26951377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainJZH/pseuds/CaptainJZH
Summary: A character study of Steven in season 4.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	Suffering in Silence

He tried to save them. He really did. Jasper, the Rubies, Bismuth… He  _ tried,  _ and it blew up in his face. Steven tried to avoid thinking about it, but all that did was make it all eat away at him more.

For a second, he let Connie see his suffering. Inside Stevonnie, she got to see his pain in full force. And she almost died because of it.

So Steven buried the pain deeper. He went on enjoying things, like people expected of him, but it didn’t feel quite right. He tried to help people on the boardwalk as Zoltron, he tried to feel satisfaction as Pearl broke out of her shell, and he tried to be happy hanging out with Onion’s friends.

Turns out, Steven was a better liar than he had thought.

He got to meet his Uncle Andy, which was nice, but in the back of his head he couldn’t stop thinking about how his dad hid his human family from him. And then he heard about how Pearl almost pulled his gem out when he was a baby. 

He refused to think about it. It didn’t matter what Garnet said about it being okay to think about it. She didn’t understand. If he thought about it, then Steven feared the bad feelings could take him over...then he didn’t know what he’d do.

Steven let his problems boil over again when Garnet refused to tell him about Pink Diamond’s Palanquin. He felt so... _ angry.  _ And yet, when he was figuring things out for himself, he felt happy. It was like he was finally  _ doing something  _ after just passively letting things happen to him.

And then his dad got kidnapped.

Both times he made the Gems aware of his problems, he almost lost someone. First Connie, then his dad. He couldn’t let that happen again. 

He knew he had to do  _ something  _ about the funk clogging up his head. So he tried to use his mom’s room to talk to her, to try to feel the way boys were supposed to around their mothers. Whatever it was he felt, that wasn’t it. It left him feeling...hollow? As if he was supposed to have some great revelation, but it never truly set in.

He kept trying to live his life normally. He put up with Ronaldo, he tried to shake things up in the ring as Tiger Philanthropist, and he even tried to give Navy a patented Steven Redemption Arc, only for her to steal the Roaming Eye. It was his fault for being so trusting.

He had one more chance. If he could just figure out what sort of magical destiny his mother had meant for him...then maybe things would be better. Maybe if he had some sort of definite purpose, then all of this would have been worth it.

But no. She just wanted him to be a kid. But he wasn’t just a kid! He was Steven Universe! Fixer of all problems not his own. That had to be why he existed! To fix everything she left behind! If not...then why was he always doing exactly that?

Then he was given an opportunity. Aquamarine had them beat. There was only one way out. For both the Gems  _ and  _ him. They could rest easy with the Earth safe, and Steven? Steven could finally be free from this mess.

He realized quickly that he had made a terrible mistake.


End file.
